So how does a female (apparently) Asian (apparently) journalist get really famous? By unexpectely pandering to the legion of hacks dominated by white middle-aged men. “Look,” they say, “Now we’re right because one of them thinks so too!”
And her books, the latest one a drool-inducing wet dream for xenophobes nation-wide called “In Defense of Internment: The Case for ‘Racial Profiling’ in World War II and the War on Terror” just sail off the shelves.
Just as her blonde, thinks-she’s-pretty counterpart has done, Michelle Malkin carved her niche by bucking conventional wisdom and giving the Roscoe P. Coltrane crowd a like-thinking supporter, seemingly from the other side.
And boy does Malkin rake her fellow minority journalists over the coals. Oh man, what self-respecting Asian woman could possibly agree with her life-long liberal ideals any more after Malkin shows her the true way? The stupid white men really are right! Who would have guessed?
Anyway, without further mockery, here’s Malkin’s “media diversity test,” with her statements in bold and my replies following:
1. I have never voted for a Democrat in my life.
In just a few elections, I’ve managed to vote Democrat, Republican and Green. Why can’t I make up my mind? Why am I so wishy-washy? Damned independent voter, learning about candidates and selecting the best one for the job. C’mon. Voting a straight party ticket is stupid. We need more independent voters not less. I may not agree with a lot of Jim Kolbe’s positions, but as one of the House’s leading experts in international trade south of the border, shouldn’t he remain office precisely because of his valuable experience?
2. I think my taxes are too high.
My taxes are fine, yours are probably too low. Nyah, nyah. The debate on taxes here is nothing more than a dumbed-down debate on government spending priorities. If you don’t support a certain government program, say Medicare, you’re sure to believe your taxes are too high. But what about the out-of-control pork barrel spending, reaching new heights at the hands of “fiscal conservative” Republican “leaders?” Nobody should really bitch about too-high taxes until this is reigned in.
3. I supported Bill Clinton's impeachment.
What a colossal waste of government time and money, serving as nothing more than an enormous distraction. And it was obvious from the start.
4. I voted for President Bush in 2000.
I’m pretty sure Malkin voted for Governor Bush in 2000, but then again that pre-ordained attitude is telling in right-wing pundits. My own vote in the 2000 presidential election went to consumer advocate Ralph Nader, in hopes of giving the Green Party a permanent slot on Arizona’s ballot. Whoops.
5. I am a gun owner.
I do not own a gun. I do not want to own a gun. I don’t have a problem with anyone who does own a gun, so long as he or she understands it is a potentially deadly weapon and treats it as such. I grew up in the forest with friends who hunted every year, friends who shared venison burgers and deer jerky. I’ve talked with people who have had loved ones murdered by a handgun. This is not a simple issue, not five words simple.
6. I support school voucher programs.
I have yet to hear a convincing argument in favor of voucher programs. Aren’t Malkin’s taxes already too high? Why does she want an entirely new government program? Maybe she would support giving adequate funding to public schools, giving adequate pay to teachers, working on programs to encourage new college graduates to enter teaching, and encouraging experienced teachers to stay and lend their expertise to newer teachers. Maybe not...
7. I oppose condom distribution in public schools.
If demystifying sex through education, rather than demonizing sex through religion indoctrination, can reduce teen pregnancies and halt the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, who loses here?
8. I oppose bilingual education.
I think everybody should be bilingual. It’s a damn shame I’m not. Why discourage people from enriching themselves by learning another language. What Malkin probably means here is that little Mexican children should not speak Spanish in school, but that’s just a guess. That is an incredibly gray area. There have been certain successes shown by English immersion programs, but what is possibly accomplished by encouraging people to abandon their roots and culture?
9. I oppose gay marriage.
I can’t fathom why anybody would give a damn about who marries who. What baffles me even further is the crowd pushing against this is the states rights, no government intrusion, personal freedom conservative crowd. That the constitution should be amended for discriminatory purposes is one of the scariest proposals I could imagine. And never in this “defense of marriage” push is it ever really mentioned how gay nuptials will destroy families, etc.
10. I want Social Security privatized.
I want Social Security, period, but that’s not going to happen. So what I’d really like is for Americans as a society to support those who spent their lives educating and protecting people, toiling away in factories or hospitals or courtrooms, those who built the foundation for today’s society, and not abandon them now for a “free-market” experiment.
11. I believe racial profiling at airports is common sense.
I believe security in airports is common sense. I believe racial profiling in general is built on hatred and vastly unsophisticated assumptions, effectually criminalizing skin color.
12. I shop at Wal-Mart.
I avoid Wal-Mart at all costs. Still, it seems that’s not even possible. Why can’t their employees unionize? Why aren’t they paid a living wage? If there were one Walton heir, he or she would be the richest person in the world, far and away. As it stands now, Waltons occupy five of the top 10 slots. Shopping at Wal-Mart accomplishes nothing more than making these people richer at the expense of their underpaid employees.
13. I enjoy talk radio.
I enjoy music, but I have caught an occasional “Prairie Home Companion” episode. If I may read between the lines for a moment, I think Malkin seems to be saying she enjoys listening to the Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage crowd, whose reactionary rants serve to do little more than enforce in the simple-minded notions of arrogance, racism, sexism and discrimination.
14. I am annoyed when news editors substitute the phrase "undocumented person" for "illegal alien."
I am annoyed at twisting semantics to apply hateful, dehumanizing labels to people who want nothing more than a job, and are willing to risk their lives in pursuit of back-breaking manual labor I would never want to do. I’m especially annoyed at the letters-to-the-editor standby of “What part of illegal don’t they understand?” Illegal immigration is a stunningly complex issue and any attempts at solving problems associated with it must first acknowledge that.
15. I do not believe the phrase "a chink in the armor" is offensive.
I don’t care.
16. I eat meat.
I eat meat. I eat a great many things. I love cheese especially, though I’m not too big on sweets. I drink plenty of water and sometimes even take vitamins. What’s the point of this?
17. I believe O.J. Simpson was guilty.
I thought O.J. Simpson was incredible in Naked Gun. Beyond that, I didn’t for a moment follow that media circus of a trial, though from what I understand a great many people believe the evidence of the case indicates he murdered his wife and that other guy. So?
18. I cheered when I learned that Saddam Hussein had been captured.
Bullshit. I’m calling bullshit here. Actually cheered? No way. Maybe she felt a great surge of near-orgasmic joy, or felt like cheering, but actually clapped and whistled and stuff? Bullshit. Myself, I pretty much said ‘Huh, they got him. Let me read that.’ Oh, then I completely changed my mind and started considering the war an unmitigated success. Not!
19. I cry when I hear "Proud To Be an American" by Lee Greenwood.
That song sucks my ass. That guy is a no-talent ass clown. I also can’t stand “God Bless America” or that song about putting a boot up somebody’s ass. But I think Ray Charles singing “America the Beautiful” is as good as it gets. And I think the national anthem of the United States should be “This Land is Your Land,” so I guess it more or less equals out somewhere.
20. I don't believe The New York Times.
Really? None of it? Not even the temperature listing or the Yankees box scores? Wow, distrust runs deep in this one. Malkin’s all-or-nothing take on the Times does little more than indicate how narrow minded the arguments about the “liberal media” really are. The New York Times is widely considered the best newspaper in the United States, if not the best English language paper or best paper in the world for that matter. Sure it has it’s problems. I still find it hard to believe that nobody on the national desk called bullshit on some of Jayson Blair’s nonsense. But then again, WMD existence was reported as hard fact in the Times for months longer than it should have been. Bottom line is it’s a newspaper with thousands of reporters and editors, covering the biggest city in the country. To outright not believe it sounds childish and simple-minded, but hey, Malkin herself seems to think that’s good enough for a conservative pundit, so who’s to argue?
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